| Movies Daredevil Franklin Nelson: "Mr. Lee, he made his first payment yesterday."
Matt Murdock: "That's good, you should be very happy, I'm very happy for you."
Franklin: "Yeah that's...tha's great. He paid in fluke. Fluke is a fish, did you know that, Matt, because I sure as hell didn't."
Matt: "Mr. Lee is a very good man, he doesn't have a lot of money and he goes, fishing on the weekends."
Franklin: "Well I go salsa dancing on the weekends but I don't shake my ass to pay my phone bill, you know what I'm saying?" Franklin: "What happened to your face?"
Matt: "It was nothing, it's just a small cut, I walked into a door."
Franklin: "Matt, everytime you disppear we can't get a hold of you on the phone and I'm there working all alone and you come in and you're all cut up-"
Matt: "I'm, I'm in the Fight Club. And-and that's the first rule of Fight Club, you don't talk about Fight Club. So now you're not in the Fight Club, you're out of it."
Franklin: "I didn't see the movie. I'm sure it's a funny joke, but I didn't see it." Franklin: "Kay, alls I'm saying is, I'm here for you as a friend. I mean, I hate bringing it up again but I spent $3000 dollars on that seeing eye dog-"
Matt: "I didn't ask you for the dog. I didn't want a dog-"
Franklin: "Can I tell you something else, seeing eye dogs bond for life....yours ran away. What does that tell you about how emotionally available you are?" Matt: "Look, I said I was sorry, what do you want?"
Franklin: "Details, you owe me that."
Matt: "Her name's Elecktra Natchios."
Franklin: "She sounds like a Mexican appitizer."
Matt: "It's Greek, genious." Franklin: "He had enough THC in his lungs to get Staten Island high. Jackson says he can't remember what happened the night of the murder, or for that matter most of the 90s."
Matt: "What's the good news?"
Franklin: "The good news is the fluke wasn't bad." Matt: "Write this down. She wrote something here in a ballpoint pen, the imprint is still in the wood. 'M'-"
Franklin: "'M.'"
Matt: "'O-.'"
Franklin: "'O.'"
Matt: "'M-.'"
Franklin: "'M.'"
Matt: "'6-.'"
Franklin: "'6.'"
Matt: "'8-.'"
Franklin: "'8.'"
((MOM 6-8.))
Franklin: "There, I knew it, her mother did it, now can we please go before we need attornies too?" Matt: "Then you go."
Franklin: "Look at me Matt. Okay, I'm a 'plus one.' 'Plus ones' don't get anywhere by themselves, they need someone to bring them, that's why it's 'plus one.'"
Matt: "Are you finished??" Kingpin: "But first, give Elecktra all my best. Is there anything else?"
Bullseye: "Yeah.......I want a fucking costume." ******************************************************* *************************** The Breakfast Club Saturday...March 24th, 1984. Shermer High School, Shermer, Illinois. 60062. Dear Mr. Vernon, We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was that we did wrong. What we did WAS wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are, what do you care? You see us as you want to see us...in the simplest definitions and the most convenient terms. You see us as a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal. Correct? That's the way we saw each other at seven o'clock this morning. We were brainwashed. Richard Vernon: .....any questions?
John Bender: Yeah, I got a question.
Vernon: .....
Bender: Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?
Vernon: I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr. Bender, next Saturday. Don't mess with the bull young man, you'll get the horns.
Bender: ..........That man.......is a brownie hound..... Claire Standish: You know why guys like you knock everything?
Bender: Oh, this should be stunning...
Claire: It's 'cause you're afraid.
Bender: Oh God! You richies are so smart, that's exactly why I'm not heavy in activities!
Claire: You're a big coward.
Brian Johnson: I'm in the math club...
Claire: See, you're afraid that they won't take you. You don't belong so you just have to dump all over it.
Bender: Well...it wouldn't have anything to do with you activity people being assholes now, would it?
Claire: Well you wouldn't know, you don't even know any of us.
Bender: Well I don't know any lepers either, but I'm not gonna run out and join one of their fucking clubs.
Andrew Clark: Hey let's watch the mouth.
Brian: I'm in the physics club too...
Bender: S'cuse me a sec....-turns to Brian- What are you babbling about?
Brian: Well what I said was...I'm in the math club, the Latin club, and the physics club.
Bender: Hey, Cherry, do you belong to the physics club?
Claire: That's an academic club.
Bender: So?
Claire: So...academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.
Bender: Ah, but to dorks like him...they are.
Bender: What do you guys do in your club?
Brian: In physics, um, we ah, we talk about physics, about properties of physics...
Bender: So it's sorta social...demented and sad, but social. Right?
Brian: Yeah, well, I guess you could consider it a social situation. I mean there are other children in my club and uh, at the end of the year we have, um, you know, a big banquet, at the, uh, at the Hilton.
Bender: You load up, you party.
Brian: Well, no, we get dressed up...I mean, but we don't...we don't get high.
Claire: Only burners like you get high...
Brian: And, uh, I didn't have any shoes. So I had to borrow my dad's. It was kinda weird 'cause my mom doesn't like me to wear other people's shoes. And, uh, my cousin Kent...my cousin Kendall from, uh, Indiana...He got high once and you know, he started eating like, really weird foods. And um, and then he just felt like he didn't belong anywhere. Kinda like, you know, "Twilight Zone," kinda.
Claire: Sounds like you.
Andrew: Look, you guys keep up your talking and Vernon's gonna come right in here...I got a meet this Saturday and I'm not gonna miss it on account of you boneheads.
Bender: Oh and wouldn't that be a bite...missing a whole wrestling meet!
Andrew: Well you wouldn't know anything about it faggot! You never competed in your whole life!
Bender: Oh, I know, I feel all empty inside because of it. I have such a deep admiration for guys who roll around on the floor with other guys.
Andrew: Ahh, you'd never miss it. You don't have any goals.
Bender: Oh, but I do!
Andrew: Yeah?
Bender: I wanna be just like you! I figure all I need's a labotomy and some tights.
Brian: You wear tights?
Andrew: No, I don't wear tights. I wear the required uniform.
Brian: .....Tights.
Andrew: Shut up! Brian: You know there's not supposed to be any monkey business.
Bender: Young man, have you finished your paper? Vernon: Give me that screw.
Bender: I don't have it.
Vernon: You want me to yank you outta that seat and shake it out of you?
Bender: I don't have it, screws fall out all the time, the world's an imperfect place! Bender: Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll get up, it'll be anarchy! Bender: That's very clever sir, but if there's a fire? I think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children would be unwise at this juncture in your career sir.
Vernon: ...............ALL RIGHT, what are you doing with this? Get this outta here for God's sake! What's the matter with you, come on! Bender: Eat my shorts...
Vernon: What was that?
Bender: Eat.....my....shorts.
Vernon: You just bought yourself another Saturday, mister.
Bender: Oh Christ...
Vernon: You just bought one more right there.
Bender: Well I'm free the Saturday after that...beyond that I'll have to check my calendar.
Vernon: Good! 'Cause it's gonna be filled, we'll keep going! You want another one? Say the word, just say the word! Instead of going to prison, you'll come here! Are you through?
Bender: No!
Vernon: I'm doing society a favor!
Bender: So?
Vernon: There's another one, right now! I've got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don't watch your step! You want another one?
Bender: Yes!
Vernon: You got it! You got another one, right there, that's another one pal!
Claire: Cut it out!
Vernon: You through?
Bender: Not even close bud!
Vernon: Good! You got one more, right there!
Bender: Do you really think I give a shit?
Vernon: Another...you through?
Bender: How many is that?
Brian: That's seven including the one when we first came in and you asked Mr. Vernon here whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet.
Vernon: Now it's eight...and you stay out of it!
Brian: Excuse me sir, it's seven.
Vernon: Shut up, Peewee!
Vermon: You're mine Bender...for two months I gotcha. I gotcha.
Bender: What can I say? I'm thrilled... Andrew: That's real intelligent...
Bender: You're right, it's wrong to destroy literature. It's such fun to read...and, Molet really pumps my nads...
Claire: Mol-yare.
Brian: I love his work.
Bender: Big deal, nothing to do when you're locked in a big vacancy...
Andrew: Speak for yourself.
Bender: Do you think I'd speak for you? I don't even know your language... Bender: Sporto...
Andrew: What?
Bender: You get along with your parents?
Andrew: Well if I say yes, I'm an idiot, right?
Bender: You're an idiot anyway. But if you say you get along with your parents, well, you're a liar too. Bender: Dork..
Brian: Yeah?
Bender: You are a parent's wet dream, okay?
Brian: Well that's a problem!
Bender: Look, I can see you gettin' all bunged up for them making you wear these kinda clothes. But face it, you're a Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebie! What would you do be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen?
Andrew: Why do you have to insult everybody?
Bender: I'm being honest, asshole. I would expect you to now the difference.
Andrew: Yeah well he's got a name.
Bender: Yeah?
Andrew: Yeah, what's your name?
Brian: Brian...
Andrew: See?
Bender: My condolences... Bender: Uh, Carl?
Carl the Janitor: What?
Bender: Can I ask you a question?
Carl: Sure...
Bender: How does one become a janitor?
Carl: You wanna be a janitor?
Bender: No I just want to know how does one becomes a janitor because Andrew here, is very interested in persuing a career in the custodial arts... Vernon: All right girls, that's 30 minutes for lunch.
Andrew: Here?
Vernon: Here.
Andrew: Well I think the cafeteria would be a suitable place for us to eat lunch in, sir.
Vernon: Well I don't care what you think, Andrew.
Bender: Uh, Dick? Excuse me...Rich? Will milk be made available to us?
Andrew: We're extremely thirsty sir.
Claire: And I have a very low tolerance for dehydration.
Andrew: I've seen her dehydrate before sir, it's pretty gross. Claire: Can't you just leave me alone?
Bender: I mean if he had a great personality and was a good dancer and had a cool car...although you'd probably have to ride in the backseat 'cause his nuts would ride shotgun.
Claire: You what I wish I was doing?
Bender: Op, watch what you say, Brian here is a cherry.
Brian: A cherry?
Claire: I wish I was on a plane to France.
Brian: I'm not a cherry.
Bender: When have you ever gotten laid?
Brian: I've laid lotsa times!
Bender: Name one.
Brian: She lives in Canada, met her at Niagra Falls. You wouldn't know her.
Bender: Ever laid anyone around here?
Brian: -points to Claire- Shhh.
Bender: Oh, you and Claire, did it!
Claire: What are you talking about?
Brian: Nothin', nothin'! Let's just drop it, we'll talk about it later.
Claire: No, drop what? What're you talking about?
Bender: Well Brian's trying to tell me that in addition to the number of girls in the Niagra Falls area, that presently you and he are riding the hobby horse. Bender: What's that?
Claire: Sushi...
Bender: Sushi?
Claire: Rice, uh, raw fish and seaweed.
Bender: You won't accept a guy's tongue in your mouth and you're gonna eat that?
Claire: Can I eat?
Bender: I don't know, give it a try. Bender: What're we having?
Brian: Uh, it's your standard, regular lunch, I guess.
Bender: Milk?
Brian: Soup...
Brian: That's apple juice.
Bender: I, can read. PB&J with the crusts cut off.Well Brian, this is a very nutritious lunch, all the food group are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?
Brian: Uh, no, Mr. Johnson.
Bender: Ah...
Bender: Here's my impression of life at big Bri's house.
'Son!'
'Yeah dad?'
'How's your day pal?'
'Great Dad, how's yours?'
'Super! Say son, how'd you like to go fishing this weekend?'
'Great dad! But I've got homework to do!'
'That's alright son, you can do it on the boat!'
'Gee!'
'Dear, isn't our son swell?'
'Yes dear, isn't life swell?'
Andrew: Alright, what about your family?
Bender: Oh mine? That's real easy.
'Stupid, worthless, no good, God damned, freeloading son of a bitch bitch! Retarded, big mouthed, know it all asshole jerk!'
'You forgot ugly, lazy, and disrespectful.'
'Shut up bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie!'
'What about you Dad?'
'Fuck you...'
'No Dad, what about you?'
'Fuck you!'
'NO DAD, WHAT ABOUT YOU?'
'FUCK YOU!!'
Brian: Is that for real?
Bender: You wanna come over sometime? Brian: What's the point in going to Bender's locker?
Andrew: Beats me...
Brian: This is so stupid. Why do you think, why are we risking getting caught?
Andrew: I dunno.
Brian: So then what are we doing?
Andrew: You ask me one more question and I'm beating the shit out of you. Vernon: Everything's a big joke, huh Bender? The false alarm you pulled Friday, false alarms are really funny, aren't they? What if your home.......what if your dope was on fire?
Bender: Impossible sir, it's in Johnson's underwear. Vernon: You think he's funny? You think this is cute? You think he's bitchin', is that it? Lemme tell you something. Look at him, he's a bum. You wanna see something funny? You go visit John Bender in 5 years. You'll see how God damned funny he is! What's the matter John, you gonna cry? Let's go.
Bender: Hey, keep your fucking hands off me! I expect better manners from you, Dick! Bender: A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says: 'I suppose you won't be needing a drink.' The naked lady says.......................................-falls through ceiling- OH SHIT!!!!!! -falls to the floor, looks up at Andrew- I forgot my pencil." Vernon: God dammit! What in God's name is going on in here? What was that ruckus?
Andrew: Uh, what ruckus?
Vernon: I was just in my office and I heard a ruckus!
Brian: Could you describe the ruckus sir? Brian: Chicks....cannot hol dey smoke....dat's what it eeez... Andrew: No, no man, no; you got a middle name?
Brian: Yeah, I guess...
Allison Reynolds: Your middle name is Ralph, as in puke. Your birthday is March 12th, you're five-nine and a half, you weigh a hundred and thirty pounds and your social security number is 0-4-9-3-8-0-9-1.
Andrew: Wow, are you psychic?
Allison: No.
Brian: Well would you mind telling me how you know all this stuff about me?
Allison: I stole your wallet...
Brian: This is great, so you're a theif now too?
Allison: I'm not a theif!
Brian: Multi-talented!
Allison: What's there to steal? Two bucks and a beaver shot!
Andrew: A what?
Allison: He's got a nudie picture in there, I saw it, it's perverted!
Andrew: All right, let's see it! Claire: Are these all your girlfriends?
Bender: Some of them...
Claire: What about the others?
Bender: Well some I consider my girlfriends, and some I just consider.
Claire: Consider what?
Bender: Whether or not, I wanna hang out with them.
Claire: You don't believe in just one guy, one girl?
Bender: Do you?
Claire: Well yeah, that's the way it should be.
Bender: Well, not for me.
Claire: Why not?
Bender: How come you got so much shit in your purse?
Claire: How come you got so many girlfriends?
Bender: I asked you first...
Claire: I dunno, I guess I just never throw anything away.
Bender: Neither, do I.
Claire: Oh..... Andrew: Holy shit what is all that stuff?
Brian: Do you always carry this much shit in your bag?
Allison: Yeah....I always carry this much shit in my bag.....you never know when you may have to jam...
Brian: Are you gonna be like a shopping bag lady? You know like, sit in alleyways and like, talk to buildings and wear men's shoes and that kinda thing?
Andrew: What's the deal?
Allison: No! There's no deal, Sporto. Forget it, leave me alone.
Andrew: Wait a minute, now you're carrying all that crap around in your purse. Either you really wanna run away or you want people to think you wanna run away.
Allison: ................eat shit. Andrew: Hi, you wanna talk?
Allison: No!
Andrew: Why not?
Allison: Go away...
Andrew: Where do you want me to go?
Allison: GO away!
Andrew: -starts to walk away-
Allison: You have problems...
Andrew: Oh, I have problems?
Allison: You do everything everybody ever tells you to do, that is a problem.
Andrew: Ok fine, but I didn't dump my purse out on the couch and invite my people into my problems, did I? So what's wrong? What is it? ...............................is it bad? Real bad? ...............................................................Parents?
Allison: ............................................................................................
..................................................................................................Yeah.
Andrew: ..................................What do they do to you?
Allison: ........They ignore me....
Andrew: Yeah.........yeah. Andrew: What would I do for a million bucks? Well, I guess I'd do as little as I had to.
Claire: That's boring.
Andrew: Well how am I s'posed to answer?
Claire: The idea is to like, search your mind for the absolute limit. Like, uh, would you drive to school naked?
Andrew: Um, uh...would I have to get out of the car?
Claire: Of course.
Andrew: In the spring, or winter?
Claire: It doesn't matter, spring...
Andrew: In front of the school or in back of the school?
Claire: Either one...
Andrew: Yes.
Allison: I'd do that! I'll do anything sexual, I don't need a million dollars to do it either...
Claire: You're lying.
Allison: I already have, I've done just about everything there is except a few things that are illegal...I'm a nymphomaniac.
Claire: Lie.
Brian: Are your parents aware of this?
Allison: The only person I told was my shrink.
Andrew: And what'd he do when you told him?
Allison: He nailed me...
Claire: Oh, very nice...
Allison: I don't think that from a legal standpoint what he did can be construed as rape since I paid him.
Claire: He's an adult!
Allison: Yeah...he's married too.
Claire: Do you have any idea how completely gross that is?
Allison: Well the first few times-
Claire: First few times? You mean he did it more than once?
Allison: Sure...
Claire: Are you crazy?
Brian: Obviously she's crazy if she's screwing her shrink...
Allison: Have you ever done it?
Claire: I don't even have a psychiatrist....
Allison: Have you ever done it with a normal person?
Claire: Now didn't we already cover this?
Bender: You never answered the question...
Claire: Look, I'm not gonna discuss my private life with total strangers.
Allison: It's kind of like a double-edged sword, isn't it?
Claire: A what?
Allison: Well, if you say you haven't...you're a prude. If you say you have...you're a slut. It's a trap. You want to but you can't but when you do you wish you didn't, right?
Claire: Wrong.
Allison: Or, are you a tease?
Andrew: She's a tease...
Claire: Oh why don't you just forget it?
Andrew: You're a tease and you know it, all girls are teases!
Bender: She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot...
Claire: I don't do anything!
Allison: That's why you're a tease.
Claire: Okay, lemme ask you a few questions.
Allison: I've already told you everything!
Claire: No! Doesn't it bother you to sleep around without being in love? I mean, don't you want any respect?
Allison: I don't screw to get respect, that's the difference between you and me.
Claire: Not the only difference I hope.
Bender: Face it, you're a tease.
Claire: I'm not a tease!
Bender: Sure you are! You said it yourself; sex is a weapon, you use it to get respect.
Claire: No I never said that....she twisted my words around.
Bender: Then what do you use it for?
Claire: I don't use it period!
Bender: Oh, are you medically frigid ot is it pyschological?
Claire: I didn't mean it that way! You guys are putting words into my mouth!
Bender: Well if you'd just answer the question...
Brian: Why don't you just answer the question?
Andrew: Be honest...
Bender: No big deal.
Brian: Yeah, answer it!
Andrew: Answer the question, Claire!
Bender: Talk to us...
Andrew and Brian: Come on, answer the question!
Bender: It's easy, it's only one question.
Claire: NO! I NEVER DID IT!!!!!
Allison: I never did it either. I'm not a nymphomaniac, I'm a compulsive liar.
Claire: You are such a bitch! You did that on purpose just to fuck me over!
Allison: I would do it though, if you love someone it's okay...
Claire: I can't believe you, you're so weird. You don't say anything all day and then when you open your mouth...you unload all these tremendous lies all over me!
Andrew: You're just pissed off because she got you to admit something you didn't want to admit too.
Claire: Okay fine but that doesn't make it any less bizarre.
Andrew: What's bizarre? I mean we're all pretty bizarre! Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all.
Claire: How are you bizarre?
Allison: He can't think for himself.
Andrew: She's right...do you guys know what, uh, what I did to get in here? I taped Larry Lester's buns together.
Brian: That was you?
Andrew: Yeah, you know him?
Brian: Yeah I know him.
Andrew: Well then you know how hairy he is, right? Well, when they pulled the tape off, most of his hair came off and some, skin too...
Claire: Oh my God...
Andrew: And the bizarre thing is, is that I did it for my old man. I tortured this poor kid, because I wanted him to think that I was cool. He's always getting off about, you know, when he was in high school...all the wild things he used to do. And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone. Right...so I'm, I'm sitting in the locker room, and I'm taping up my knee. And Larry's dressing a couple lockers down from me. Yeah...he's kinda...he's kinda skinny, weak. And I started thinking about my father, and his attitude about weakness. And the next thing I knew, I uh, I jumped on top of him and started wailing on him. And my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on. And afterwards, when I was sittin' in Vernon's office, all I could think about was Larry's father. And Larry havin' to go home and...and explain what happened to him. And the humiliation, the fucking humiliation he must have felt. It must've been unreal...I mean, I mean, how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way...it's all because of me and my old man. Oh God, I fucking hate him! He's like this...he's like this mindless machine that I can't even relate to anymore. "Andrew, you've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this family! Your intensity is for shit! Win. Win! WIN!" You son of a bitch! You know, sometimes, I wish my knee would give...and I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore. And he could forget all about me...
Bender: I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling.... Brian: It's like me, you know, with my grades...like, when I, when I step outside myself kinda, and when I, when I look at myself you know? And I see me and I don't like what I see, I really don't.
Claire: What's wrong with you? Why don't you like yourself?
Brian: 'Cause I'm stupid...'cause I'm failing shop. See we had this assignment, to make this ceramic elephant, and um...and we had eight weeks to do it and we're s'posed ta, and it was like a lamp, and when you pull the trunk the light was s'posed to go on...my light didn't go on, I got a F on it. Never got a F in my life. When I signed up, you know, for the course I mean, I thought I was playing it real smart, you know? 'Cause I thought, I'll take shop, it'll be such an easy way to maintain my grade point average...
Bender: Why'd you think it'd be easy?
Brian: Have you seen some of the dopes that take shop?
Bender: I take shop.....you must be a fuckin' idiot.
Brian: I'm a fuckin' idiot because I can't make a lamp?
Bender: No, you're a genius because you can't make a lamp...
Brian: What do you know about Trigonometry?
Bender: I could care less about Trigonometry.
Brian: Bender, did you know without Trigonometry, there'd be no engineering?
Bender: Without lamps, there'd be no light! Claire: Okay, so neither of you is an better than the other one...
Allison: I can write with my toes! I can also eat, brush my teeth...
Claire: With your feet?
Allison: ....play Heart and Soul on the piano.
Brian: I can make spaghetti!
Claire: What can you do?
Andrew: I can uh, tape all your buns together.
Bender: I wanna see what Claire can do.
Claire: I can't do anything.
Bender: Now, everybody can do something.
Claire: There's one thing I can do....no, forget it, it's way too embarrassing.
Bender: You ever see Wild Kingdom? I mean that guy's been doing that show for thirty years.
Claire: Okay, but you have to swear to God you won't laugh....I can't believe I'm actually doing this.........
-takes out a lipstick, puts it in between her cleavage, and bends her head down to apply it. She lifts her head up with a smooth, clean coat of lipstick on her lips-
Andrew: All right, great! Where'd you learn to do that?
Claire: Camp, seventh grade.
Bender: That was great, Claire, my image of you is totally blown.
Allison: You're a shit! Don't do that to her, you swore to God you wouldn't laugh!
Bender: Am I laughing?
Andrew: You fucking prick!
Bender: What do you care what I think anyway? I don't even count, right? I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference. I may as well not even exist at this school, remember? And you....don't like me anyway.
Claire: You know, I have just as many feelings as you do and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them!
Bender: God you're so pathetic! Don't you ever...EVER...compare yourself to me, okay? You got everything and I got shit! Fuckin' Rapunzel, right? School would probably fucking shut down if you didn't show up! "Queenie isn't here!" I like those earrings Claire.
Claire: Shut up....
Bender: Are those real diamonds, Claire?
Claire: Shut up.
Bender: I bet they are. Did you work, for the money for those earrings?
Claire: Shut, your mouth.
Bender: Or did your daddy buy those?
Claire: Shut up!!!
Bender: I bet you he bought those for you! I bet those are a Christmas gift! Right? You know what I got for Christmas this year? It was a banner fuckin' year at the old Bender family! I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said "Hey! Smoke up Johnny!" Okay, so go home and cry to your daddy, don't cry here, okay?
Andrew: My God, are we gonna be like our parents?
Claire: Not me....ever.
Allison: It's unavoidable, it just happens.
Claire: What happens?
Allison: When you grow up, your heart dies.
Bender: Who cares?
Allison: ................I care. Brian: Um, I was just thinking, I mean I know it's kind of a weird time, but I was just wondering, um, what is gonna happen to us on Monday? When we're all together again? I mean I consider you guys my friends, I'm not wrong, am I?
Andrew: ........No....
Brian: So, so, on Monday...what happens?
Claire: Are we still friends, you mean? If we're friends now, that is?
Brian: Yeah...
Claire: Do you want the truth?
Brian: Yeah, I want the truth.
Claire: I don't think so.
Allison: Well, do you mean all of us, or just John?
Claire: With all of you...
Andrew: That's a real nice attitude Claire!
Claire: Oh, be honest Andy! If Brian came walking up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do? I mean picture this; you're there with all the sports. I'd know exactly what you'd do; you'd say hi to him and when he left you'd cut him all up so your friends wouldn't think you really liked him!
Andrew: No way!
Allison: 'Kay, what if I came up to you?
Claire: Same exact thing...
Bender: You are a BITCH!
Claire: Why? 'Cause I'm telling the truth, that makes me a bitch?
Bender: No! 'Cause you know how shitty that is to do to someone! And you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends and tell 'em that you're gonna who you wanna like!
Claire: Okay, what about you, you hypocrite? Why don't you take Allison to one of your heavy metal vomit parties? Or take Brian out to the parking lot at lunch to get high? What about Andy for that matter, what about me? What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together? They'd laugh their asses off and you'd probably tell them you were doing it with me so they'd forgive you for being seen with me.
Bender: Don't you EVER talk about my friends! You don't know any of my friends, you don't look at any of my friends, and you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends so you just stick to things you know; shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW, and your poor, rich drunk mother in the Caribbean!
Claire: SHUT UP!
Bender: And as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways at school, you can forget it! 'Cause it's never gonna happen! Just bury your head in the sand and wait for your fuckin' prom!
Claire: I hate you!
Bender: Yeah? GOOD!
Brian: Then I assume Allison and I are better people than you guys, huh? Us weirdos...do you, would you do that to me?
Allison: I don't have any friends...
Brian: Well if you did?
Allison: No...I don't think the kind of friends I'd have would mind.
Brian: I just wanna tell, each of you, that I wouldn't do that...I wouldn't and will not! 'Cause I think that's real shitty...
Claire: Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us...
Brian: You're so conceited Claire! You're so conceited. You're so, like, full of yourself, why are you like that?
Claire: I'm not saying that to be conceited! I hate it! I hate having to go along with everything my friends say!
Brian: Well then why do you do it?
Claire: I don't know, I don't...you don't understand...you don't. You're not friends with the kind of people that Andy and I are friends with! You know, you just don't understand the pressure that they can put on you!
Brian: I don't understand what? You think I don't understand pressure, Claire? Well fuck you! Fuck you! Know why I'm here today? Do you? I'm here because Mr. Ryan found a gun in the locker...
Andrew: Why'd you have a gun in your locker?
Brian: I tried. You pull the fuckin' trunk on it and the light's s'posed to go on...and it didn't go on, I mean, I...
Andrew: What's the gun for, Brian?
Brian: Just forget it...
Andrew: You brought it up, man!
Brian: I can't have an F. I can't have it and I knowmy parents can't have it. Even if I aced the rest of the semester, I'm still only a B. And everything's ruined for me!
Claire: Oh Brian....
Brian: So I considered my options, you know?
Claire: No! Killing yourself is not an option!
Brian: Well I didn't do it, did I? No, I don't think so!
Allison: Was it a hand gun?
Brian: No, it was a flare gun, went off in my locker.
Andrew: Really? -starts to laugh-
Brian: It's not funny...
Andrew: -tries to turn his laugh into a cough but can't help it and continues laughing-
Brian: Yes it is...fuckin' elephant was destroyed...
Allison: You wanna know what I did to get in here? Nothing...I didn't have anything better to do.
-Everyone starts cracking up-
Allison: You're laughing at me...
Andrew: No!
Allison: -starts to laugh too- Yeah...you are... Allison: Where are we going?
Claire: Come on! Don't be afraid.
Allison: Don't stick that in my eye...
Claire: I'm not sticking it...just close...just go like that -closes eyes- Good. You know you really do look a lot better without all that black shit on your eyes...
Allison: Hey, I like that black shit. Please...why are being so nice to me?
Claire: 'Cause you're letting me. Dear Mr. Vernon, We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us. In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess, and a criminal. Does that answer your question?
Sincerely Yours,
The Breakfast Club
************************************************************
************************************ Final Destination Tod Waggner: I didn't think anything could be worse than my yearbook picture.
George Waggner: Now you know how I feel havin' to look at you all the time. Tod: Hey...
Alex Browning: I don't wanna sound gay, or nothin', but I miss you. Tod: We say that the hour of death cannot be forecast, but when we say this, we imagine that the hour is placed in an obscure and distant furture. It never occurs to us that is has any connection with the day already begun or that death could arrive this same afternoon. This afternoon, which is so certain, and which has ever hour filled in advance.... Clear Rivers: Know what this is?
Alex: This? .....this is Spring-Head Guy.
Clear: It's you.
Alex:.......
Clear: Not a likeness, it's how you make me feel, Alex.
Alex:......i'm sorry. Alex: That.....him?
Clear: I think. But why'd they make him look like Michael Jackson? Alex: What are those?
Bludworth: Cuticle lacerations.....from pulling at the wire.
Alex: Pulling at the wire? Then he wasn't trying to kill himself, it was an accident.
Bludworth: In Death, there are no accidents. No coincidences, no mishaps, and no escapes. Clear: That mortician was whacked. He was trippin' on formaldehyde
Alex: He said Death has a design. Even before he said that I had been seeing patterns.
Clear: (sarcastic) As in flannels and plaids? Clear: That's total bullshit, you can find death omens anywhere you want to. Look, "coffee" starts with a "C" and ends with an "E." So does the word "choke." So, we're going to choke to death? Oh no! Starbucks was a whaler, we're going to be harpooned! Agent Schreck: That kids gives me the creeps.
Agent Weine: We got nothing to hold him on.
Schreck: I don't mean that. There was a couple of times there....where I almost believed him.
Weine: Can I tell you something? Don't take this the wrong way but sometimes, you give me the creeps. Billy Hitchcock: Um okay, drive the speed limit ok? And don't pass on the right.
Carter Horton: Billy! I'm gettin' a vision! You're next, man!
Billy: Hey man, why'd you say that?
Carter: 'Cause if you say another word, I'm gonna fuckin' kill ya! ************************************************************
*********************************** Final Destination 2
((referring to the old lady with the bag of cans))
Frankie: Yo Dano, shouldn't we uh, help your mom?
Dano: Oh good one man, you're hilarious. You're not gettin' any of my weed, nothing. ((Hiding his cocaine in his coat as a cop drives by)) Rory Peters: What? I'm wearing my seatbelt. You're gonna bust me, bitch! Officer Thomas Burke: There was one survivor. Clear Rivers is in a padded room at the Stonybrook Institiution.
Rory: Well that's encouraging. Nurse: At the request of the patient you'll relenquish any sharp objects such as: nail files, pencils, pens, safety pins, bobby pins, your necklace, matches, lighters, belts, belt buckles, earrings, hair clips, glasses, shoelaces, paper clips, watches, money clip, pocket knives, food, drinks, keys, cell phone...you have a cell phone on you? poisons, pills, medications. Great, and let me see your nails. Good, then I think we're all done.
Kimberly Corman: Wait, is she, dangerous or something?
Nurse: No honey, she expects you are. Kimberly: You got to help me.
Clear Rivers: I don't have to do anything.
Kimberly: But you beat it.
Clear: Take a look around! What did I beat, Kimberly? If you were smart, you'd save yourself and just forget about the others.
Kimberly: How can you say that? You have a responsibility.
Clear: My friends are dead. That's how I can say that. Get out, before you hurt me or yourself.
Kimberly: Alright, you know what?
Clear: What?
Kimberly: I think you're a coward. You hide in here because you're too damn bitter and selfish to help any other person. In my opinion yu're already dead. Gina ((Dentist's assistant)): The doctor's ready for you now.
Tim Carpenter: If he give me the gas and I wake up with my pants unbuttoned, we ain't payin'.... Clear: What the fuck are you thinking?!
Kid: I'm thinking suck on my junk, bee-atch! Kat Jennings: This cannot be happening. See, because my career is at a peak, and I finally met a quality guy, I just bought a house....
Rory: Maybe if you shut the fuck up, you'll live. Eugene Dix: I gotta call bullshit. I mean, I've sat here and listened to all your theories and all your stories and I think it's just all bullshit.
Clear: Call it what you want! It'll keep your ass alive.
Eugene: Darlin' my ass is alive! Has been all day. There is nobody after us but you, trying to make us all crazy. Kat: UGH! Screw this,I'm going for a smoke!
Officer Burke: No, no, no. It's not safe out there.
Kat: So, Nora's gotta bite it before me anyhow, huh?
Officer Burke: ....................................
Kat: Oh, you people have no sense of humor. Clear: What do you think you're doing?
Eugene: I'm finished, I'm out.
Clear: Don't leave Eugene.
Eugene: Look, look, I control my life, alright? Not some crazy list that death has put together.
Clear: I'll be sure to carve that into your tombstone.... Rory: Is this safe guys? I mean, someone in this car is about to get whacked. Dot he rest of us really feel like sitting next to him? Or her? -points to Kat and whispers- Hopefully her..... Kat: Alright, just get this thing off me. Just pull. Hurry.
Brian: Ready?
Kat: Oh God, Jethro! Jesus Christ! I gotta be able to use my legs when I'm done! Rory: Can I ask you a question?
Kimberly: Yeah.
Rory: When I die...is it going to hurt?
Kimberly: I don't know.
Rory: You're going to die after me, right?
Kimberly: Yeah, I guess so.
Rory: Would you take these? And if I die...would you throw out all my drugs....and my paraphernalia....and my porno? You know....anything that's gonna break my mom's heart. Please?
Kimberly: -nods-
Rory: Thank you. Kat: Could you be a little quieter with that thing please?
Fireman: Yeah sure, I'll just put it on quiet mode....
Kat: That would be good. **************************************************************
**************************** 10 Things I Hate About You Principal Perky: Patrick Verona. I see we're making our visits a weekly ritual.
Patrick Verona: Only so we can have these moments together. Should I, uh, get the lights?
Miss Perky: Oh very clever, kangaroo boy. Says here you exposed yourself in the cafeteria?
Patrick: I was joking with the lunch lady. It was a bratwurst.
Miss Perky: Bratwurst? Aren't we the optimist?
Patrick: .....................................?!
Miss Perky: Next time, keep it in your pouch. Bianca Stratford: Yup, see, there's a differnce between 'like' and 'love.' Because I like my Sketcher, but I love my Prada backpack.
Chastity: But, I love my Sketchers.
Bianca: That's because you don't have a Prada backpack.
Chastity: Ohhhh! Katarina Stratford: Romantic? Hemingway?! He was an abusive alcoholic misogynist who squandered half his life hanging around Picasso trying to nail his leftovers.
Joey Donner: As opposed to a bitter self-righteous hag who has no friends?
Mr. Morgan: Pipe down, Chachie.
Kat: I guess in this society being male and an asshole makes you worthy of our time. Patrick: -walks in to class- What'd I miss?
Kat: The oppressive patriarchal values that dictate our education.
Patrick: ...........good. -walks out-
Mr. Morgan: Hey, hey! Joey: Uh, Mr. Morgan, is there any chance we could get Kat to take her Midol before she come to class?
Mr.Morgan: Some day you're gonna get bitch-slapped, and I'm not gonna do a thing to stop it. Kat: Expressing my opinion is not a terrorist action.
Miss Perky: The way you expressed your opinion to Bobby Ridgeway? By the way, his testicle retrieval operation went quite well, in case you're interested.
Kat: I still maintain that he kicked himself in the balls.
Miss Perky: The point is Kat...people perceive you as somewhat...
Kat: Tempestuous?
Miss Perky: "Heinous bitch" is the term used most often. You might want to work on that... Michael Eckman: Alright, I'm wrong? You wanna take a shot? Be my guest. She's actually looking for a French tutor.
Cameron James: Are you serious? That's perfect!
Michael: Do you speak French?
Cameron: Well no....but I will! Chastity: I know you can be overwhelmed. And I know you can be underwhelmed. But can you ever just be...whelmed?
Bianca: I think you can in Europe... Walter Stratford: Hello Katarina. Make anyone cry today?
Kat: Sadly no, but it's only 4:30.... Kat: I got in! I got in!
Walter: Uh, honey that's great, but isn't Sarah Lawrence on the other side of the country?
Kat: Thus the basis of its appeal! Walter: Alright, you wanna know what's unfair? This is for you too. This morning I delivered a set of twins to a 15 year old girl. Do you know what she said to me?
Bianca: I'm a crackwhore who should have made my sleazy boyfriend wear a condom?
Walter: .....close, but no. She said: "I should have listened to my father." Bianca: She did not.
Walter: Well, that's what she would've said if she wasn't so doped up. Bianca: Where did you come from, Planet Loser?
Kat: As opposed to Planet "Look at me, look at me!"? Bianca: Can't you find some stupid retard to take you to the movies so I can have just one date?
Kat: I'm sorry. Looks like you'll just to miss out on the witty repartee of Joey "eat me" Donner. Cameron: Hi. How ya doin'? Would any of you be interested in dating Katarina Stratford?
Candidate #3: Woa, I've never been that ripped...
Candidate#4: Maybe, if we were the last 2 people alive...and there were no sheep..............are there sheep? Michael: Did I, or did I not, tell you it was pointless? No one will go out with her.
Cameron: -gestures to Patrick- Hey, what about him?
Michael: Him? No no. Don't look at him, okay? He's a criminal. I heard he lit a state trooper on fire. He just did a year in San Quentin.
Cameron: Yeah, well, then at least he's horny....
Michael: I'm serious, man, he's whacked. He sold his own liver on the black market for a set of speakers. Joey: Are you lost?
Michael: No, actually, I just came by to chat.
Joey: ................we don't chat. Patrick: You're gonna pay me to take out some chick?
Joey: Mmm hmm.
Patrick: How much?
Joey: 20 bucks.
-they both look at Kat, at soccer practice, who then rams into a girl, making her fall to the ground-
Joey: Fine...30.
Patrick: Well let's think about this. We go to the movies. That's uh, 15 bucks. We get popcorn. That's uh, 53. And, uh, she'll want Raisonettes, right? So, uh, we're lookin' at 75 bucks.
Joey: This ain't a negotiation. Take it, or leave, trailer park.
Patrick: 50 bucks and we got a deal, Fabio. Cameron: We are screwed.
Michael: Hey, no, hey. I don't want to hear that defeatist attitude. I want to hear you upbeat.
Cameron: We are screwed!
Michael: There you go. Walter: Whoops?! My insurance does not cover PMS! Walter: You're 18, you don't know what you want. And you won't know what you want until you're 45. And if you get it, you'll be too old to use it. Michael: Just one question before we start: Should you be drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver?
Patrick: What?!
Cameron: First thing: Kat hates smokers.
Patrick: So you're telling me I'm a ......"non-smoker?"
Michael: Yeah. But just for now.
Cameron: And there's another problem. Bianca said that Kat like.....pretty guys....
Patrick: ...........................................
Cameron and Michael: .............................
Patrick: Are you telling me I'm not a pretty guy??
Michael: He's very pretty! This is gorgeous guy!
Cameron: Yeah, I just, I didn't know. I wasn't sure. Alright, okay. Likes: Thai food, feminist prose, and "angry girl music of the indie rock persuasion." Here's a list of CDs that she has in her room.
Patrick: So I'm supposed to buy her some noodles and a book and sit around listening to chicks who can't play their instruments, right? Walter: Hi. Where are we going?
Bianca: Well, if you must know, a small study group of friends.
Walter: Otherwise known as an orgy?
Chastity: Mr. Stratford it's just a party.
Walter: And Hell is just a sauna.... Cameron: Hey, hey we need to talk.
Patrick: Cameron, I'm a little busy right now.
Cameron: Can you give me a second?
Patrick: What?
Cameron: It's off, okay? The whole thing's off.
Patrick: What're you talking about?
Cameron: She never wanted me. She wanted Joey the whole time.
Patrick: Cameron--do you like the girl?
Cameron: Well, yeah--
Patrick: Yeah, and is she worth all this trouble?
Cameron: Well, I thought she was. But, you know, I--
Patrick: Well she is or she isn't. See, first of all, Joey is not half the man you are. Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. Go for it! Kat: This is so paronizing.
Patrick: Leave it to you to use big words when you're smashed. Kat: You don't care if I never wake up.
Patrick: Sure I do.
Kat: Why?
Patrick: Well then, because I'd have to start taking out girls who actually like me.
Kat: Like you could find one...
Patrick: Ooo, see that, there? Who needs affection when I have blind hatred? Patrick: So, what's up with your dad? Is he, a pain in the ass?
Kat: No, he just wants me to be someone I'm not.
Patrick: Who?
Kat: Bianca.
Patrick: Ahh...Bianca. No offense or anything, I mean, I know everyone digs your sister. But, um.....she's without.
Kat: You know....you're not as vile as I thought you were.... Cameron: What did she say?
Michael: Hates him "with the fire of a thousand suns." That's a direct quote.
Patrick: Thanks Malcolm, that's very comforting of you. Kat: You're so....
Patrick: Charming? Wholesome.
Kat: Unwelcome.
Patrick: You're not as mean as you think you are, you know that?
Kat: And you're not as badass as you think you are.
Patrick: Ooo, someone still has their panties in a twist.
Kat: Don't for one minute think you had any effect whatsoever on my panties.
Patrick: Then what did I have an effect on?
Kat: Other than my upchuck reflex, nothing. Patrick: You're right, she's still pissed.
Michael: Sweet love, renew thy force!
Patrick: Hey! Don't say shit like that to me. People can hear you!
Cameron: Look. You embarrassed the girl. Sacrifice yourself on the alter of dignity and even the score.
Patrick: -gives Cameron a look and walks away-
Michael: Listen. Don't, say shit like that to him. People can hear you! Patrick: No, none of that stuff is true.
Kat: State trooper?
Patrick: Fallacy. Uh, dead guy in the parking lot?
Kat: Rumor. The duck?
Patrick: Hearsay. Bobby Ridgeway's balls?
Kat: Fact. But he deserved it. He tried to grope me in the lunchline.
Patrick: Fair enough.
Kat: The accent?
Patrick: It's real. I lived in Australia until I was 10.
Kat: With the Pygmies?
Patrick: Close, with my mum.
Kat: Where were you last year? I know the porn career's a lie.
Patrick: Do you? Kat: Tell me something true.
Patrick: Something true? I hate peas.... Kat: You're amazingly self-assured . Has anyone ever told you that?
Patrick: I tell myself that everyday, actually. Bianca: Can we for 2 seconds ignore the fact that you're severly unhinged and discuss my need for a night of teenage normalcy?
Walter: What's normal? Those damn Dawson's River kids sleepinjg in each other's beds and whatnot?
Bianca: Daddy, that is so not...
Walter: Got news for ya. I'm down. I've got the 411. And you are not going out and getting jiggy with some boy, I don't care how dope his ride is!
Bianca: UGH!! -walks away-
Walter: That's right, mama didn't raise no fool.... Kat: Joey never told you that we went out, did he?
Bianca: Yeah, okay...
Kat: In 9th. For a month.
Bianca: Why?
Kat: Because he was like, such a babe.
Bianca: But you hate Joey.
Kat: Now I do.
Bianca: So what happened.
Kat: ...............-raises eyebrows-
Bianca: Oh! Please tell me you're joking!
Kat: Just once, right after mom left. Everyone was doing it, so...I did it. Afterwards, I told him I didn't want to anymore because I wasn't ready and he got pissed and dumped me. After that, I swore I'd never do anything just because "everyone else" was doing it. And I haven't since. With the exception of Bogey's party and my stunning digestive pyrotechnics.
Bianca: How is it possible that I did not know about this?
Kat: I warned him that if he told anyone, the cheerleading squad would find out how small his dick is.
Bianca: Okay. So why didn't you tell me?
Kat: I wanted to let you make up your own mind about him.
Bianca: Then why did you help Daddy hold me hostage? It's not like I'm stupid enough to repeat your mistakes.
Kat: I guess I thought I was protecting you.
Bianca: By not letting me experience anything for myself?
Kat: Not all experiences are good, Bianca. You can't always trust the people you want to!
Bianca: Well, I guess I'll never know, will I? Patrick: Milwaukee.
Kat: What?
Patrick: That's where I was last year. I wasn't in jail, I don't know Marilyn Manson, and I didn't sleep with a Spice Girl--I don't think so. You see, my grandpa, he was ill, so I spent most of the year on his couch watching Wheel of Fortune and making Spaghettios. End of story.
Kat: Haha, no way! Michael: The shit hath hiteth the fan...eth. Patrick: Would you give me a chance--
Kat: You were paid to take me out! By the one person I truly hate. I knew this was a setup!
Patrick: Kat, it wasn't like that, okay?
Kat: Really? What was it like? A down payment now and then a bonus for sleeping with me?
Patrick: No, I didn't care about the money, okay? I cared about......I cared about you.
Kat: ........you are so not who I thought you were. Walter: Where's your sister going?
Kat: She's meeting some bikers. Big ones. Full of sperm.
Walter: Funny. So tell me about this dance. Was it hoppin'?
Kat: Parts of it.
Walter: Which parts?
Kat: The part where Bianca beat the hell out of some guy.
Walter: Bianca did what?
Kat: What's the matter? Upset that I rubbed off on her?
Walter: No. Impressed. ........you know, fathers don't like to admit when it when their daughters are capable of running their own lives. It means we've become spectators. Bianca still lets me play a few innings, you've had me on the bench for years. And when you go to Sarah Lawrence...I won't even be able to watch the game.
Kat: When I go?
Walter: Oh boy, don't tell me you've changed your mind. I already sent them a check...
Kat: -smiles and gives her dad a hug- Kat: I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate it...
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh;
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you;
Not even close;
Not even a little bit;
Not even at all. Patrick: Nice, huh?
Kat: A Fender Strat? Is this for me?
Patrick: Yeah. I thought you could use it. You know, when you start your band. Besides, I had some extra cash, you know. Some asshole paid me to take out this really great girl.
Kat: Is that right?
Patrick: Yeah, bust I screwed up. I, um....I fell for her.
Kat: Really?
Patrick: It's not everyday you find a girl who'll flash someone to get you out of detention...
Kat: Oh God... Kat: You can't just buy me a guitar everytime you screw up, you know.
Patrick: Yeah, I know. But then, you know, there's always drums and bass and maybe even one day a tambourine.... *************************************************************
********************************** White Chicks Marcus Copeland: What do you think?
Kevin Copeland: I think this babysitting gig sucks.
Marcus: Dude, relax. Look man, all we gotta do is pick these chicks up, drop their asses off in the Hamptons, then we're back in the Chief's good graces.
Kevin: I didn't join the FBI to become a nanny. I want to be on the street where the action is.
Marcus: Okay, Blackie Chan, and you'll get there. Can we just do this first, please? Tiffany Wilson: You know Heather totally hates you because you slept with her boyfriend.
Brittany Wilson: My God. So what? I sleep with everyone's boyfriend. Brittany: You think we're going to go to the Hamptons with my face looking like that?
Kevin: It's really not that bad. Just get some makeup and cover it up.
Brittany: Put makeup on this? I am soooo frickin' pissed. My God, this is like the worst day of my life! I went to go get my brows done and I told her to make me look like J-Lo and then that frickin' Russian toad made me look like Liza Minelli or something! Oh, my God! I'm going to have a B.F.!
Kevin: Wait. What's a B.F.?
Tiffany: She's going to have a Bitch Fit! You better get out of here.
Brittany: I am going to call your boss!
Kevin: You don't have to do that.
Brittany: No, I'll call the owner of the company.
Kevin: Come on, just take it easy. Look, we can work this out.
Brittany: I'm going to write a letter!
Kevin: No! Please don't write a letter. Look just calm down. You guys just stay here. Stay here the whole weekend. Do whatever you want. But whatever you do, do not leave this room. Don't leave this room, because, if you do, everyone's gonna see those hideous scars.
Brittany: Scar?!
Tiffany: My God! Permanent damage!
Brittany: My life is over!!! Marcus: What's up money, you got a problem?! What you looking at my ass for? No, yo, hold my poodle! What's up? Y'all got a problem?! Y'all want some of this?! You want some of this, punk? What, boy? I'll take the both of you!
Kevin: Cut it out.
Marcus: He was looking at my ass like I'm a girl!
Kevin: You are a girl! And you better start acting like one or you're going to be an unemployed girl!
Random Guy: Damn, I'd sure like to cut that cake.
Kevin: Here, yo, hold this! Hey, you trying to look at my lumps? I'll pull off my G-string and handle mine! Agent Jake Harper: Hi, Yeah I just...I need a credit card please. And some ID please.
Marcus: Credit card? ID? I'm sooo frickin' pissed!
Harper: M'am, I--
Marcus: First of all...I got to Dr. Dorfman. He totally messes up my nose job. I asked him to make me look like Gwyneth Paltrow. I get off the surgery table looking like frickin' Shrek! Then I get here, and Mr. Harper makes me feel like I'm some dumb blonde with fake boobs going to a Hugh Hefner party!
Harper: No! I didn't mean to offend you. It's just protocol!
Marcus: I'm going to have a B.F.!
Kevin: My God. She's going to have a Bitch Fit!
Harper: No. Don't have a, a, a, uh, a B.F. now--
Marcus: I want to speak to your surpervisor. Better yet, I'm going to write a letter!
Harper: Miss, there's no reason to--
Marcus: You are in big trouble. 'Dear Mr. ....Royal Hampton. I am a white woman in America.'
Cheif Elliot Gordon: Ladies, is there a problem here?
Marcus: Yes.
Harper: No. There's no problem.
Gordon: These are two of our VIP guests. Issue them keys. Immeadiately.
Marcus: VIP. Learn your acronyms.
Kevin: What a sweetheart.
Gordon: Here you are. Enjoy your stay.
Marcus: Has anyone every told you you look just like Denzel Washingston?
Gordon: ...heh....yes actually, I've heard it once or twice.
Marcus: Oh what a beautiful chocolate man! Karen: Wait a minute. There is definately...something different about the two of you........collagen.
Kevin: You little witch! How did you know?
Karen: Duh, it's totally obvious. Your lips went from Cameron Diaz to Jay-Z.
Lisa: You got taller too.
Marcus: We got our knees done.
Tori: You can do that?
Lisa: Oh my god, you should do that! Megan Vandergeld: Look who just flew in from the slums of Beverly Hills.
Heather Vandergeld: It's the Beverly Ho-Billies!
Marcus: Squeeze me?
Kevin: No you didn't!
Marcus: I'm sorry, but we just saw your new video. They had a screening over at Saks Fifth Avenue in the security office.
Kevin: A klept-ho-maniac!
Megan: Your mother shops at Saks.
Kevin: What? My God. You want to talk about mothers?
Marcus: You want to talk about mothers. It's mother time. Oookay.
Kevin: Your mother's so dumb she went to Dr. Dre's for a Pap smear.
Marcus: 'Something's wrong Dr. Dre, my coochie's doing a beatbox!'
Heather: Yeah? Well your mother is so stupid she excersises when she could just.....get liposuction or something.
Marcus: Your mother's so old that her breast milk is powdered.
Heather: Your mother is so, like.....she's so.........Megan you go.
Megan: Your mother is so stupid.....that she goes to Barney's Rooftop Deck Restaraunt for lunch and orders a nicoise salad and calls it a 'ni-coise' salad! 'Ni-coise' salad, right?
Marcus: Your mother's ass is so hairy it looks like Don King's about to pop out and say 'Only in America!'
Heather: Your mother's so stupid hat she goes into Gucci and she tries to buy, like, Fendi and stuff... Lisa: What do you think?
Kevin: That....looks....soooo...sexy.
Lisa: Are you kidding? 'Hi, I'm Cellulite Sally! Look at my huge bedonkey!' 'And don't forget about me! I'm Back Fat Betty!' Now who could've said that? Yeah it's Tina the Talking Tummy! I can't even wear a short skirt and a top without looking like a fat pig!
Kevin: Calm down! I'll go see if there's something else out there for you! Okay? Now that looks totally cute!
Lisa: My God. Are you kidding? 'Hi, I'm Carnie Wilson before my gastric bypass surgery!'
Kevin: Well what about this, this goes with your skin tone.
Lisa: Somebody throw Shamu back in the ocean!
Kevin: Okay. Let me get you something else. Okay? What about these? This one's--
Lisa: You bitch! That's so terrible!
Kevin: Let me go and see if there's some help out there. Some professional help. You need professional help. Hang on.
Lisa: Okay.
Kevin: Dr. Phil! Oprah! Somebody help me! Agent Vincent Gomez: Okay. Who would you do? Janet Reno or Rosie O'Donnell?
Harper: What?! Are you kidding me?
Gomez: And death is not an option.
Harper: I don't know...Rosie.
Gomez: .....you're a pig. That's disgusting.
Harper: What are you talking about? Rosie's alright.
Gomez: Heads up. Here they are.
Harper: Hold on. Who would you do?
Gomez: No time. We're on the job. Robber: Jeez lady. All that for a bag?
Kevin: It's not just a bag, it's Prada. Marcus: I don't want to go on a date with Buff Daddy. Kevin: Hold tight girls! We're just....shaving our feet, okay?
Marcus: And braiding our vaginas! Karen: Come on guys. Don't act like you haven't done it before. You know it is when you really care about someone. You call them all day long...because you wanna know how their day is going...and what they're thinking about....and if they're thinking about you. You spend all day trying to find the perfect outfit. You even change your hairstyle just so he'll take a second look. But they never notice. Sometimes I just wish they could trade places with us....so that they would know how it feels. You know? Gomez: All right, I got another for you. Carmen Electra or Pam Anderson?
Harper: Easy.
Gomez: But they both got a yeast infection.
Harper: Now that's tough.................I'm gonna go with...Pam Anderson.
Gomez: You're disgusting.
Harper: What?
Gomez: They got a yeast infection.
Harper: Who would you choose?
FBI Agent: Hey, Gomez. We got a couple of bogeys.
Gomez: No time.
Harper: Oh come on! It's Pam Anderson! Like you care. Gomez: Hotel security! Is everything all right here?
Kevin: Everything is fine. Just a little case of PMS. That's all. I'm just one big, emotional wreck. Could you guys go get me some Midol and a Snickers?
Gomez: Let's get out of here.
Kevin: My ass is fat! Latrell: Did you know oysters are an aphrodisiac? Gomez: You won't believe what I.....what the hell are you doing?
Harper: Sniffin' chicks underwear, man. What is the big....it's.......what? ......they're guys, aren't they?
Gomez: You really are disgusting. Gomez: How about this? RuPaul or Whoopi Goldberg?
Harper: I told you. I'm not playing your games.
Gomez: Come on! Heath: You were incredible at the nightclub last night.
Karen: Thank you. Thanks.
Heath: Incredible. And Heather will be leaving after the party tonight, and I was thinking...maybe you could come by around 2? Make that...3:00 a.m.
Karen: ......you know what? I don't think so.
Heath: Excuse me?
Karen: You think I'm just a booty call. Well, I'm not. I deserve better than that. I'm tired of being your doormat.
Heath: Honey...what makes you think you're that special? Marcus: Honey. Sometimes I man can't see when he has someone so special sitting right in front of him.....
Karen: Are you, like, a lesbian? Gina: Girl, we going to need some backup. Girl, call NayNay and LaQuanda. Tell them to bring the Vaseline and the straight razors! These bitches are on some other shit! Kevin: Marcus! Are you okay?
Marcus: No.
Kevin: What's wrong?
Marcus: These damn G-strings are killing me! Kevin: Daddy didn't tell you? He's broke.
Heather: What do you mean broke? Like Martha Stewart broke or MC Hammer broke?
Warren Vandergeld: MC Hammer broke!
Megan and Heather: NO!!!! Marcus: I just want to tell you, I appreciate what you did. That was real brave of you.
Latrell: I had no choice. I couldn't let them take my one true love away.
Marcus: Hey dude, I'm not what you think I am.
Latrell: Baby, we all got secrets. That's okay.
-Marcus pulls off rubber makeup mask-
Latrell: Are you telling me that you are not...
Marcus: Yeah. I'm not a woman.
Latrell: White? The deception! The betrayal, man! You deceived me!
Marcus: Calm down. I'm an FBI agent. I was uncovering a--
Latrell: Negro, please! Didn't somebody tell you this was an all-white party? Someone get this jigaboo away from me! Shaunice: This is some Jerry Springer shit! Gomez: So, who do you think wore those panties you were sniffing? Kevin or Marcus?
Harper: Gomez, I told you. I was looking for DNA.
Gomez: Pft, oh yeah.
-Chief Gordon laughs-
Harper: What are you laughing at "Denzel?"
-Chief stops laughing-
Harper: 'Oh what a beautiful chocolate man!' Gina: I have nothing more to say to you.
Marcus: I know, just listen to me, please. Gina, I lied to you. I've hid things from you. But I have never cheated on you. But I am guilty. I'm guilty of paying more attention to my job than I do my wife. I'm guilty of not appreciating all the little things you do for me. Like getting your hair done. Wearing that sweet-smelling Chanel cologne I love so much. But my biggest crime is that I didn't tell you I loved you every single day.
Shaunice: I know you're know going to let him off that easy. Let's go--
Gina: Will you shut up?
Marcus: I love you. ********************************************************************
********************************************************************
TV Shows Degrassi Craig: "This is independent study!!! Me, independent and walking.......you........study my butt on the way out!!" Craig: "When do you see your mother?"
Ashley: "After school."
Craig: "Please try an convince her that I'm not a kin of Satan!!" Craig: "You wanna know the real reason I couldn't kiss her? It's because she reminds me of my five-year-old half sister."
Spinner: "......Yeah...that's...messed up. .........Don't....say that......"
Craig: "So when in doubt, kiss Craig?!?!"
Marco: "I better settle this with Dylan."
Craig: "Yeah, you do! You really really do!"
Paige: "I, sniped at Alex in class, he, distributed Manny Santos's breasts to the entire school electronically.....I don't belong here...." Craig: "You've had it?"
Kevin Smith: "Girl trouble? Dude, I'm a fat guy from New Jersey, yeah I've had some girl trouble. Even when I'm writing the movie, I never get the girl. I always end up with Jay....sometimes a monkey." Ashley: "You conned me into wanting to have sex with you!"
Craig: "Conned??"
Ashley: "With that stupid lie of a song!"
Craig: "That wasn't a lie!"
Ashley: "Wrong! You don't know how to say it Craig because you don't love me." Craig: When you and Paige are....in the moment, does she stop you?
Spinner: What, do you want a video?
Craig: Thanks, but no.... On a special commentary of the episode "When Doves Cry" Jake Epstein (Craig): "Whatever happen to Craig taking pictures?"
Miriam McDonald (Emma): "Yeah, whatever happened to that, that was cool, him hiding behind little bushes taking pictures.."
Jake: "Yeah, and he had his little green room.."
Miriam: "......Wasn't it red?"
Jake: ".......Wasn't it black??" *************************************************************
**************************** Whistler Beck McKaye: "Believe what you want, I'll still be dead." Beck: "People always act differently when they think that nobody's watching." Beck: "Dreaming about me again?" That's what, 10 nights in a row?"
Quinn: "11."
Beck: "Counting corpses is not a good way to get your beauty sleep." Feeney: "That was uh, weird. You're going on a date with AJ Varland. You're going on a man-date."
Quinn McKaye: "It's not a man-date.......God I hope it's not a man-date."
Feeney: "Well why'd you say yes?"
Quinn: "Well you're the one who told me to take advantage of my new social status."
Feeney: "I meant to score with chicks, not hang out with Captain Gimp." Quinn: "Do you have any more secrets I should know about?"
Beck: "Well if you knew about them they wouldn't be secrets anymore, would they?" **************************************************************
******************************** |
